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It was Easter.
Our family had traveled a full day's drive to the little town...
to the little farm... some miles from that town...
that was the homestead of my grandparents...
a homestead... that they were renting and farming.
There were no interstate highways in those days...
and so... the drive to the farm... was mostly on a two-lane road.
Changing roads and highways along that route...
hundreds of miles... through towns and cities...
required real driving skills... and map reading.
Passing cars and trucks on a two-lane highway...
takes a good sense of timing... and courage...
in daylight... one set of skills...
in nighttime... another.
There was always traffic... some driving slowly...
and there was some skill involved... in passing those slower cars.
At night... the front car in a line of vehicles... puts on its bright beams.
The cars behind... use their low beams... their headlights...
so as not to blind the cars ahead of them.
When the oncoming road is clear... and there is no hill...
(you can see a reflection of headlights sometimes...
in the air above the hill...from oncoming cars you can't see)...
when all is clear...
the car right behind the slow car flashes its bright lights
as a signal to the slow car ahead that it is now passing...
and then moves quickly into the left lane... and passes.
It is not polite for cars further down the line
to attempt to pass out of turn... and it's dangerous, too.
When the passing car is ahead of the car being passed...
the car being passed... puts its lights on low beam...
and the passing car... now leaves on its bright lights.
When that passing car is far ahead of headlight range...
that slow lead car in the line of travelers...
puts its brights back on.
When a car approaches from the opposite direction...
everyone goes to low beam lights and slows down a bit.
Bright beam headlights can blind drivers... even in their mirrors.
Alternatively...
at the first opportunity... the slower traffic will pull aside...
and let the faster cars continue on their way.
If the road is a straight-way...
many cars can pass all along the line.
Night driving speed limits are 10 mph slower.
So, yes... it was a 55 mph adventure for us.
We made this trip... three times a year... some years...
Christmas... Easter... summer vacation.
And so... it was Easter... at Grandma's...
at their little farm with an outhouse...
and their farm yard with a windmill...
and their screen door that would slam back loudly.
And for Easter everyone gets new clothes... shoes... hat.
I had picked a very pretty blue dress with a flowing skirt.
(and I always wore a petticoat)...
I remember this dress...
because after church... while the adults were talking...
I slipped out of the house unseen...
and went for a walk in the nearby field of wildflowers.
I had picked a few of them... the wildflowers...
and then sat myself down in the grass...
that tickled my legs as I knelt...
and I spread the skirt of my dress all around me.
I now felt so beautiful... my skirt flowing around me...
puffed up as it was on the growing grass.
And I sat so happily... feeling so pretty...
thinking about how I loved being a girl.
I was just two years old...? was it...? or three...?
and I dreamed about growing up to be a good woman...
I would love my husband... and be a perfect wife.
I would love my children... and be a perfect mother.
You know... all these many years later...
I finally found the words...
to describe my personal struggle...
and most of my life... it has been... this struggle...
... the sense of having lost that feeling of beauty.
I have survived and adjusted... and re-assessed my goals...
considering it... just part of the living of life...
shit happens... you deal with it... and keep on moving.
But... this Easter... it was suddenly so clear... that...
my sense of beauty... had been important to me...
and... it had been taken from me.
I knew all this... but... had never put words on it.
And the truth of my life was such that...
my husband... would have no honor... not really...
because...
to tell him my truths... surely would anger him...
what would he do...? get revenge...?
and that would be dangerous for everyone...
and to tell him my truths...
would change how he saw me...
I would never again be seen as a whole woman...
I would be seen as a victim... needing special care...
or... worse... as being a woman with no self-respect.
You know...
an appreciation of beauty can give us strength...
to stay on the good side of the bridge...
to not do things... that would alter that sense of beauty.
An appreciation of beauty gives each of us strength...
to be part of a peaceful and beautiful world.
Beauty... gives life its meaning.
All the struggles of the ages...
all of mankind's hard work...
was to find a place of peace where we can
open our hearts to happiness...
so that we can discover... beauty...
so that we can soften our hardened natures about life.
I may not have been such a beautiful girl...
but I loved the feeling of... being beautiful...
and I used to work hard at it...
You know...
it could be true...
that the loss of heart... is what the homeless feel...
in their struggle to compete in this life...
compete with those whose fates had been... not so murky...
not so... difficult... to find their way through it.
Some who struggle... just cannot save... themselves.
I believe that humankind's own nature... is one of dignity...
and so, when we feel that that dignity...
which is a similar thing to beauty...
you know, that sense that we have worth...
when our dignity is lost beyond our salvation...
we think that it can never be brought back...
and therefore... we can lose the very meaning of our lives.
I struggled for strength... all... the... time.
I survived... because I was intent on being a writer...
I was a writer... first and foremost...
and... also... when it got really rough for me...
I got help... from family... to get me back up...
to get my strength...
to get back in the game...
to begin again... one more time...
Spring... comes anew... and Easter.
I think the world... yes, humanity...
has lost its desire for beauty.
Beauty is slow... meaningful... sweet... careful...
and our world demands that we hurry...
instant gratification... and we want even more speed...
who cares about... what the quality is...
just get it now... get it and go to the next thing...
entertainment... like a drug addict...
we want to feel full again...
something new and cool... and interesting to talk about.
Modern culture glorifies the quick and easy satisfaction...
and sex has become the new drug...
and the tricks must get more and more interesting...
to... get that high... and light that fire...
until people burn themselves out...
and have no worthwhile coals...
to warm some home's hearth with.
Home...? what's a home...?
Love...? don't you love... everyone???
I don't see group happiness going on here...
I see a generation of lonliness...
and of wondering... what is missing...
wondering... why don't people care about each other...
why have we lost the value of our lives...
Beauty... friends...
without it... there is no meaning to the struggle.
I wish a wonderful spring for all...
and to get out into the wilds...
and to feel the earth beneath you...
and to come home with some... wildflowers...
and lots of happy... memories.
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